Diaries of the gods
by Daughter-of-Eirene
Summary: Have you ever wondered what the gods were really thinking? Well you're in luck, stolen by our 2 favorite sons of Hermes, though it's never mentioned, on display now for your viewing pleasure.Reviews are lovely, flames are funny!
1. Chapter 1: Dionysus' view on halfbloods

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN PERCY JACKSON (IF I DID WOULD I REALLY BE POSTING ON THIS SITE?) **

Dear Diary;

Nearly half way through my sentence and I feel like I have a century to go. How does old Thunder-pants expect me to survive another 30 years at this blasted camp with nothing stronger than a Diet Coke? The punishment definitely does not fit the crime. Especially now that everyone is claiming their kids, and actually _looking_ for the little brats, add that to the fact that the "no child" ban has been lifted for the big three and let's face it good ole' dad is worse than He-Who-Speaks-In-Crappy-Haikus when it comes to fathering half-mortal brats! Although with Queen-Of The-Uptights for a wife I can certainly understand the need to break out of a monotonous relationship- but it doesn't mean you have to have a baby with all of them. If he had just stopped after having me we'd all be fine and dandy but _no_ he just couldn't resist. And let's face it, monsters just don't regenerate as quickly as they used to and you've got a high half-blood population with a low mortality rate. Oh to be back in a world where half-bloods were eaten by the age of five, I suppose it's true what they say nothing lasts forever but annoying little heroes. Remind me to turn Peter Johnson into a grapevine tomorrow- oh wait, he's got that ridiculous Achilles curse if only he'd chose to become a god, then I could just kill him over and over. Oh well, maybe one of the little nuisances will get maimed or eaten tomorrow. Here's to hoping and wishful thinking.

Yours Forever (literally),

Dionysus


	2. Chapter 2: Demeter's letter

**DISCLAIMER: YOU KNOW THE DRILL I don't own it! Rick Riordan does.**

Dear Persephone;

How are you dear? I've been missing you terribly and it's only been 3 days since you left to be with _him_. But let's not dwell on the negative, I have great news, I thought of a way out of this- divorce! Oh Hera hates the idea but then again she's always takes up that "holier than thou" attitude anyways. Divorce what a wonderful idea these mortals have come up with why I think it's better than sliced bread- and that's saying a lot! I know you're thinking "sure mom, I won't be married to the dead-beat but I'll still have to live with him part of the year" but I've found a solution for that too. See between all of the affairs he's had (and all we have to do is go to that ridiculous camp for proof) I say you're entitled to at least half. And being the greedy good for nothing he is, he won't want to split his kingdom down the middle so I think he'd be more than willing to settle by letting you out of that silly little rule. Oh honey it'll be so good to see you again, year round! Then you can be the sole goddess of spring time and relieve that annoying Eirene of her duties I mean just because you're the goddess of peace doesn't mean you have to go waltzing around like some hippy (even if she and that philanderer Apollo started the stupid movement). Oh dear, please be a good daughter and come back to your poor old mother, you have no idea what it's like being the only sane person around- well considering who you're husband is I'm sure you do. But that gives me all the more pain, imagining you stuck in that dismal disgusting hole in the ground (literally). I suppose I'll speak to you soon, I have a few errands to run.

In agony and grief until I see you again,

You're poor, old, feeble, sick mother,

Demeter

P.S do you feel guilty enough to come back yet?


	3. Chapter 3 Ares should never be in charge

**DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT RICK RIORDAN, ENOUGH SAID.**

**A/N: PLEASE EXCUSE THE LANGUAGE AND OPINIONS OF ARES AND WE ALL KNOW HOW AWFUL HE IS. I THINK IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT, THESE ARE NOT MY OPINIONS.**

COUNTRIES THAT SHOULD BE DESTROYED NUMBER FIVE: NEW ZEALAND

The people there are called "Kiwis" and with good reason! The only people in that stupid little country are fruits and hobbits-and those feet are reason enough to want to destroy them. Besides, everyone knows all the Kiwis are really just wanna-be Australians.

Australia, now that's a country full of bad-asses! From Hugh Jackman to Crocodile Dundee everyone there just reeks of Awesome! That country is so bad-ass, it doesn't even need to conquer anyone else. Which is exactly why I must destroy the damn Kiwis before they get a chance to taint Australia with there fruitiness!

I wonder how I can take them down, hmm. Ooh! Maybe I could get the U.S to nuke 'em on "accident". No that won't work, Dick's not in charge anymore, now they've got a damn hippy running the joint!

I could always convince Australia to invade, but do I really wan to risk them interbreeding with an inferior people? Of course not! Boy do I miss my old school warriors! Now those were boys who didn't believe in weakening the bloodlines.

What to do, what to do? Yes! Athena's not the only one who can think up a plan. I'll just have China buy them they own almost every other country anyway. Then China can deport all the Kiwi's to Hong Kong and make New Zealand a luxury island for top military officials and Australia will be saved from the weaklings! Problem solved!


	4. Chapter 4:Poseidon wants off the couch!

**DISCLAIMER: I am poor therefore I do not own Percy Jackson!**

Dear Amphitrite;

I realize how much trouble and hurt it must have caused you to hear about Percy from you're sister instead of me, and how by discovering who Percy was, you also found out about Sally Jackson. I want to assure you that Sally and I are over. I do still love and care for her but only as the mother of my son.

Oh Amphitrite you know you're the only woman mortal or immortal that will ever truly own my heart. I may lend to others for a season but you are the only one that can keep this heart captivated forever.

I mean, we've been married for how many millennia and we've both grown bored at times but we always come back to one another. We always forgive and fall back in love. You're not going to punish me by making me sleep on the couch for something you've done too are you?

Or did you forget that Spanish Duke, what was his name again? Sidonia? Did I put you on the couch? No I forgave you-of course it was after I sank the Armada and helped England to victory. But that was besides the point, I didn't make you sleep on the couch so you shouldn't make me! I love you Amphitrite and I'm your Husband, not to mention the sea god! So you should forgive me already and let me go back to sleeping in my bed!

Love always,

Poseidon

P.S The couch is really uncomfortable and starting to give me a bad creak in the neck and you know how hard it is for me to rule with a hurt neck!


	5. Chapter 5: Don't call MrD Sue Slyvester

DISCLAIMER: DO I LOOK LIKE RICK RIORDAN? DIDN'T THINK SO!

A/N: I was gonna post an Aphrodite bit but Mr. D is being pushy so it's his turn again.

Dear Diary;

Have I mentioned how much I hate those brats? One of them compared me to a character named Sue Sylvester from one of those stupid shows Apollo likes called "Glee" and of course because Mr. Eternal-Teenager thought it was funny, public enemy number one was spared. I have decided to rid my stress by creating a helpful list of ways to eliminate this pest problem:

WAYS TO GET RID OF PESKY HALFBLOODS (IN NO PATICULAR ORDER)

Send them on a quest to beat Medusa in a staring contest (when she regenerates of course!)

Sell the younger ones off to monsters when no one's looking. (Definitely a lucrative business if nothing else)

Bring back gladiator fights to the death using half-bloods (entertaining and effective).

Have the losing team in capture the flag executed for disgracing their parents (That could really solve my problems after a few games).

Reinstate human sacrifices.

Eliminate the year-round program. (Orphan kids would be gone quickly).

Set Maximum and Minimum cut off age to 20 (without training most will die anyways!)

Have them play red rover with a giant hole in the middle of the field (although I think eventually the little pests will catch on).

Buy some flesh eating horses and make it a camp requirement to ride them! (Another entertaining idea)

Enforce a strict dress code of wearing camp T-shirt and then expel anyone for wearing the color orange.

Incite a war between two cabins and let the rest choose sides (It works on Olympus and they don't have the added bonus of being an immortal) That should take care of every cabin but Eirene and her and her hippy brats are so annoying I wouldn't get in trouble if I incinerated her.

Put a hole in the middle of the field (again) and have a tug-of-war match over it so the losers will fall in (and with any luck drag the losers down too).

Get those psychotic pigeons to attack camp and enjoy the show (Remember how funny it was last time?)

Train Mrs. O'-whatever to fetch campers instead of dummies.

Convince Nigel Darko (or is it Niles Dingo?) to send skeleton soldiers to kill all the campers, and then blame the massacre on Nathan Danglo.

Loosen the wheels on all the chariots before the next race.

Train Peleus to attack any demigod who enters camp.

Bribe Argus to get in fatal car wrecks when transporting annoying heroes (I bet I could convince him to at least kill the Hermes brats) [A/N: cyber cookie to anyone who knows why]

Dare dumb little newcomers to say "Zeus wears diapers" and watch in amusement as they're struck down (maybe play that Queen song "Another One Bites the Dust" to set the mood)

Inform mortal parents that they must know which god/ goddess they slept with if their child is to gain entrance (that should eliminate half of Annoyingly-Optimistic even more annoying brats!)

Let the hunters kill the boys and recruit the girls (we all win)

Set curfew two hours earlier and don't tell the campers, but inform the cleaning Harpies and let them do their job.

Give the brats faulty armor before capture the flag.

Turn the loners into grape vines.

Make the penalty for annoying me expulsion or death.

That would show those little brats, if only I could get a way from it but NO that little busy body oracle Rebecca Truth always manages to open her big yap. Even when Chiron is gone I can't get my way. I'm scared Diary, really scared.

Eternally yours (though I think I'm in Tartarus),

Dionysus


	6. Chapter 6: Hailku's that didn't survive

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN PERCY JACKSON.

From Apollo's trash can:

Red are the roses

But violets are purple

I forgot my point

Why do women like him?

He's not talented like me.

He's just a pirate.

(In reference to Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow)

Rock-band is poetry.

Rock-band is complete genius.

It's magnificent!

"Could it be magic?"

"Every time you go away."

"Almost Paradise."

(BOO-YAH! Found poem Haiku! Not exactly romantic, but hey impressive!)

A/N: Sorry it's so short poetry isn't my strong suit (then again it's not exactly Apollo's either) and well anyways I wanted to get a new god up. More on the way. Thanks for reviewing and a cyber cookie to Kanae Valentine for getting the question about Argus right. Hermes was sent by Zeus to get back Io (who he turned into a cow when Hera came close and then was tricked into handing over as a gift) from Hera's fields where Argus stood watch. Long story short Hermes slain by Argus- though I think Kanae is right, Argus wouldn't harm a camper- even the Stoll brothers. I'm putting a poll up on my page for you guys to pick who the next god(dess) you hear from will be. Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	7. Chapter 7:Volcano's aren't accidents!

A/N: OK so voting is still going on, I've edited the poll so that you can vote up to five times and the winner will have a double post. In the mean time, here's an entry from a very unpopular god (remember language might be an issue and his thoughts aren't mine!). So now onto the

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS

COUNTRIES THAT SHOULD BE DESTROYED #4, GREENLAND:

Ok, I might have liked the Vikings back in their heyday- Hades, I definitely fathered a few, but what I considered genius centuries ago is freakin' annoying now! Do you know how many damn times I wound up in freakin' Greenland when I wanted to be in freakin Iceland?

So beautiful green Iceland's getting crowded and then you find this big ice rock island and to get people away you name the other one Greenland so the idiots will move away from Paradise to a rock and once their dumbass selves figure out "hey this isn't green" your only response is to laugh at their stupid asses and say "Yeah suck on that losers!" I get it. I mean hey I can appreciate a good joke or prank at someone's expense- it's funny. But you know what isn't funny? When someone decides to try and prank me and for that Greenland must pay the price- you know what I think I'll destroy Iceland too. It might be "green" but it's too damn cold. Who's laughing now Vikings?


	8. Chapter 8:Hades feels taken for granted

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING

Dear Diary;

It hasn't even been a century (barely a quarter) since our latest family reunion with Dad and already everyone's feigning amnesia when it comes to my role in the victory. Even when I draw attention to the battle, all I hear is how amazing they were fighting Typhon and when I mention yes but remember who kept the home front safe- That Blasted water head brother of mine whips out pictures of fat little babies and scrawny teenagers with black hair and grey eyes and then it's nothing but "Percy this" and "Percy that" and "I can't believe how amazing Milo's gotten at swimming you know he's on the Olympic team this year, it seems like yesterday he was in diapers" to which my almost as annoying niece chimes in with a comment or to about how studious Sally is at her studies. You'd think this was the first time they'd had grandchildren!

If that wasn't bad enough now that that stupid Jackson made us promise to treat the lesser gods equal, I have to deal with them at the Winter Solstice alone while Demeter whisks my darling Persephone off and either sticks me with Aphrodite's airheaded Charites, Apollo's annoying Muses, or the worst one yet EIRENE! Bah! All that goddess goes on about is "peace, love, and happiness" and don't I think the world would be such a better place if there was no war or famine or disease and the humans could learn to coexist in love. To which I had to respond with "Well I'm the god of death so NO. I don't think I could imagine the world "at peace with itself" and humans with a low mortality rate" and then she just stares. STARES DIARY! Like I'm the one with a few screws loose! I never thought me and Demeter would hate the same thing (except our dad that is but can you blame us I mean he ate us as infants, I'm not even that bad!) but Eirene has proven me wrong. She's like one of those annoying Disney Princesses you can't get away from. Well Persephone should be home any moment so I will let the situation rest.

Wishing I could disintegrate a few Olympians,

Hades

A/N:OK So I owe you guys another Hades which I am going to deliver on (probably today actually) But I have to let you know that after that my fanfics will be going on a temporary hiatus due to the fact that Apparently summer time is when the Original Plot bunnies in my head breed and I'm working on those stories and characters so they'll let me sleep. Once the bunnies settle down and my Fanfic Bunnies begin their breeding season both stories will be back on. I can't do this with "The Lost Heroes" but I can promise that with diaries if the original bunnies take months to finish, I will post a new one at least once a month. If you guys are interested in what I'm writing PM me and I'll send you some to read. Hope you guys enjoy, as always, Reviews are lovely, Flames are funny. Love you guys.


	9. Chapter 9: Disney's about to be smited

Disclaimer: I own nothing

THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM THE DIARY OF HADES WRITTEN IN THE NINTIES… YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Dear Diary;

Could this summer get any worse? Not only am I stuck with having to do traffic duty in my own kingdom because stupid Charon picks now to go on strike, and of course Persephone's overbearing mother has whisked her away from me again, but now I have to deal with the fact that a certain animation studio must be smited (yes I realize that's usually hotheads job but sometimes you must take matters into your own hands!). It appears Disney has decided to puff up Hercules' ego even more by creating a very VERY inaccurate animated movie about him. (Of course every time those pesky mortals make a movie or play or TV show about him I get a letter complaining that Elysium isn't nice enough for a star of his magnitude.)

The movie alone would have been bad enough were it not for the big glaring issue that makes me want throw every last cast and crew member into Tartarus, not only is Zeus the good old dad, Hercules a kind virtuous hero and Hera- nice, but who should be cast as the villain you ask? Me! Not only have I taken Hera's role for this story, according to them I let dad and all his buddies out, my skin is grey, my teeth are a bunch of fangs and worst of all my hair is fire! I have black hair! My hair does not "flame on". I can't believe someone sent me this stupid thing! I bet it was Poseidon he would rub that in my face-especially since there's no cartoon in there I can use to make fun of him! I bet he's jealous because no one cares about him or remembers him enough to comment. I think I'll tell him that to at the winter solstice- that is if Hera hasn't had Zeus ban mentioning the movie around her (she's probably reeling about them making her Hercules mom). Perhaps this movie isn't so terrible after all. Oh well, off to traffic duty.

Affectionately,

Hades


	10. Chapter 10: merry early christmas

Disclaimer: I'm not rick riordan

Warning: the views expressed in this entry are strictly that of the war god, I can not be held libel for his thoughts or opinions (and even if I could I'm broke so good luck cashing in) that being said let's continue.

Countries that should be Destroyed Number 3: Switzerland

There should be a law that says, "There is no neutral, pick a side or die!" That being said, the third country to die will be Switzerland. I mean honestly with Eirene out of the way I got to make one of the most epic wars of the modern age and does Switzerland join in? No of course the pansies don't, their "neutral". What is that word anyway "neutral" I mean no one's neutral not even gods- did you hear about the Trojan war! Stupid Switzerland. Their passiveness is disgusting, and no amount of hot chocolate or holey cheese can make up for that. Mark my words when I finally take over and rule the world they will DIE!


	11. Chapter 11: Peace is Pissed

Dear Diary;

I realize I'm the goddess of peace but sometimes I'd really like to choke my fellow gods. In order to refrain from doing so I wrote a list so I could better vent.

Ares- I realize he's the god of war but seriously does he really have to go over the top with it, I mean honestly! I take a vacation for a few decades and he manages not one, but two world wars!

Demeter- that woman is a menace! I put my vacation time in back in during the dark ages because no one was allowed to take time off till the humans got back on track and then Olympians got priority on what decades and centuries they wanted first! She knew I was going on vacation before I left! The fact that the great plains got neglected and we had the whole "dust bowl" fiasco was all her- Not me! Thanks to her I don't get to go on vacation anymore.

Apollo- I should know by now that when Apollo asks me over for wine and to discuss business, he's trying to get into my toga, and when he says art and peace go so well together he's trying to get back into them, and when I find him and Aphrodite having a "business talk" because her and Ares are on the outs again and Apollo says "But Eirene peace and love go so well together" he's being a pig!

Aphrodite- Her "free love" thing completely compromised the message of the 60's movement. And after we got into over Apollo she told me my dress looked hippy so now anyone that's a fan of peace also has to be "hippy"!

Hades- honestly, he just gives me the creeps!

Well I'm off- Ares has started another scuffle using the Americans… AGAIN (he clearly has no originality!)

Ever yours,

Eirene

A/N: Ok I made fun of my country a little this time (I did with the new Zealand one a little too) Considering the reviews I've been getting, I just won't to remind everyone that I have no problem with any country Ares wants to destroy- actually almost every country on there is one I'd like to visit one day. And another thing if Ares dislikes something it should be a compliment you guys have read both PJ and greek mythology he's NEVER depicted as the smartest cookie. Point is it's fiction, don't take it personal!

On another note, sorry it's taken so long to update, I'm a college student with two jobs, life gets hectic. Thank you all so much for being loyal to this story I hope these few I've posted have been up to your standards, your words are encouraging and I don't know where I'd be as a writer without wonderful readers like you so thanks.


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